Musings℠ offers edifying insights into the human psyche along with practical tips for living a conscious and creative life usiing the unique tools of applied philosophy.

Enter a term in the Search field opposite to find content of particular interest.

Here’s a gem from the The Four Agreements, a bestselling self-help book by Don Miguel Ruiz based on Toltec wisdom: The second of the “Agreements” advises us not to take things personally. This simple idea is based on the realization that how another person interacts with us in truth is not personal, because the interaction is dictated by his or her level of consciousness—which is entirely about the other person and not at all about us. Most of us are quick to take offense at what others say or do because we take it personally, which exports our individual freedom and authority, constricts or even momentarily shuts down our awareness, and creates suffering. Such transactions typically turns reactive, with each person convinced the other is to blame. We can interrupt this vicious loop by practicing the second Agreement, stepping back, and remembering that how another person shows up is not personal, not about us, and that indeed, the quality of our interactions with others is always determined by the degree of our own awareness. Our work, therefore, is ever on ourselves—but how liberating it is to realize that, as long we are seeing things as they are, others have no power to offend us. This life-changing clarity also carries us into the circle of compassion, for in those things that we may have taken personally and judged harshly in others, we see reflected the face of their self-inflicted suffering.

Here’s something for the philosophically brave-hearted: Perhaps you’ve noticed that desire is somewhat fickle, even deceptive. When we want something, especially if the desire is strong, we can get caught up in the false assumption that getting our desire will change anything essential. In truth, it doesn’t—at least not for long. No doubt you’ve experienced this. Everything seems to depend on getting a particular job or house or relationship—nothing else will do!—yet in those cases where the magic wish is granted, we soon find ourselves in the new status quo, and in a way that can feel almost disappointing, we’re still who we are, our life is still our life, new desires and challenges spring up, and nothing essential has changed. Desire in this sense is a kind of trickster that keeps us ever chasing the next empty promise of a happiness defined by outer conditions. This is why the Buddhists tell us that what we truly desire is the end of desiring, and that desire (attachment to this or that outcome) is the root of suffering. Now, here’s a direction you can explore if you’re game: The next time you find yourself wanting something, look ahead on the timeline and see if you can recognize that if that thing comes to pass, if it comes into your life, you will still be yourself, and that nothing essential will have changed. The new house before long will become just the place where you live, the new car will fade into the background of the car you drive, the new relationship will become normal and in this sense, no big deal. If you can get that far with this practice, you’ll be standing at the door of detachment and should experience a palpable sense of liberation and spaciousness where the desire had been producing a feeling of urgency and constriction. The only true happiness comes from what the Stoics called “self-possession.” It arises spontaneously when the soul is “well-ordered”—when we awaken from the dream that anything in the world has the agency to make us happy, and discover the joy of our own being-here that was with us all along in the living present, awaiting our homecoming.

A thought from the ancient Stoic philosophers: It’s not what happens to us that determines how we feel as much as how we meet what happens. We may have little to say about the “cards we’re dealt” at any given time, but we have a lot to say about the conclusions we reach, the stories we tell ourselves, the meanings and significances we ascribe, and whether we regard adversity as an enemy or an opportunity to transcend. In those moments when “resistance is futile,” we can endure by bending and moving with rather than against conditions. Everything changes. If you’re struggling, hang in there, and while you’re doing that, try responding rather than reacting. Often, things come right when we do.